Let’s talk about a word that sneaks into our bedrooms, our dates, and our deepest desires, completely uninvited. A word that is, frankly, a pleasure killer. That word is “sorry.”
“Sorry, my place is a mess.”
“Sorry, I’m taking so long.”
“Sorry, can we try that?”
“Sorry, I’m just really tired.”
Sound familiar? We apologize for our needs, for our bodies, for our pace, for simply existing in a space and expecting enjoyment. It’s like we’re constantly asking for permission to feel good. Well, consider this your official revocation of that need to apologize. It’s time to move from a mindset of “Sorry” to a powerful, unshakable “Not Sorry.”
Owning your pleasure isn’t about becoming a selfish lover; it’s about becoming a present and active one. It’s about shifting from being a guest in your own intimate life to being the co-host of the experience. And the journey starts with silencing your inner apologizer.
1. The “Sorry” Epidemic: Where Did We Learn to Apologize for Wanting?
Why are we, especially women, so quick to say sorry? It’s a socially conditioned reflex. From a young age, many of us are subtly taught to be accommodating, to be small, to not make waves. We’re praised for being “low-maintenance” and “easygoing.” While there’s nothing wrong with being agreeable, the problem arises when this bleeds into the most vulnerable parts of our lives.
Apologizing in intimate moments is a defense mechanism. It’s a preemptive strike against potential rejection or judgment. If I say “sorry I’m self-conscious” first, then your opinion of my body can’t hurt me as much. If I say “sorry I need more foreplay,” I’m protecting myself from the perceived embarrassment of having a need that isn’t instantly met.
But here’s the brutal truth: Every “sorry” is a tiny betrayal of yourself. It sends a message to your own brain that your experience is an inconvenience. It tells your partner that you believe you’re doing something wrong by having desires. It creates a power dynamic where one person is seeking forgiveness for simply participating. It’s exhausting, and it completely murders the mood. The first step to owning your pleasure is to become a detective of your own apologies. Notice when you say it. What are you really afraid of in that moment?
2. From Apology to Assertion: The Language Upgrade
You don’t need to become a dominatrix overnight (unless you want to, of course—no apologies!). The shift is simpler and more linguistic. It’s about swapping out the language of guilt for the language of invitation and collaboration.
This is your new phrasebook:
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INSTEAD OF: “Sorry, I’m so cold, let me just get under the covers.”
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TRY: “Your skin is so warm, come here and warm me up.” (This turns a perceived flaw into a request for closeness.)
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INSTEAD OF: “Sorry, I need a minute.”
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TRY: “Wait, I just want to savor this for a second.” or “Go slower, that feels amazing.” (This reframes a “pause” as an active choice to enhance pleasure.)
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INSTEAD OF: “Sorry, I’m not in the mood tonight.”
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TRY: “I’m feeling really drained, I’d love to just cuddle and reconnect.” (This replaces rejection with an alternative offer of intimacy.)
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INSTEAD OF: “Sorry, can I be on top?”
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TRY: “I’d love to be on top tonight.” (Notice the difference? It’s a statement of desire, not a question begging permission.)
This isn’t about being aggressive; it’s about being direct. You are stating a preference, sharing a feeling, or making a request. You are moving from a passive passenger to a co-pilot. This language upgrade is incredibly empowering because it forces you to identify what you actually want, instead of just identifying what you think is wrong.
3. The “Not Sorry” Practice: Small Steps to Big Confidence
Owning your pleasure is a muscle you have to build. It starts long before you get to the bedroom. It’s about practicing in low-stakes environments.
1. Claim Your Space Physically. Do you sit curled up in a ball on the couch, trying to occupy as little space as possible? Stop it. Sit with your legs uncrossed. Stretch your arms out. Practice taking up space. Your body deserves to be comfortable. This physical claiming translates into a psychological sense of belonging.
2. Practice Receiving a Compliment Without Deflection. The next time someone says, “You look beautiful tonight,” your only job is to smile and say, “Thank you. That’s so kind of you to say.” Do not follow it with, “Ugh, but my hair is a mess!” or “This old thing?” Just receive it. Let the good feeling land. You are accepting the gift of the compliment without apology.
3. Start a “Pleasure Notes” App (or Journal). This sounds silly, but it’s revolutionary. When you’re alone, pay attention to what feels good. Not just sexually—in general. What does the sun feel like on your skin? What’s your favorite texture? What food tastes absolutely divine? What music makes your body want to move? Write it down. The simple act of noticing and acknowledging pleasure in your daily life trains your brain to seek it out and honor it in more intimate settings.
The goal is to build a life where your default setting isn’t “Sorry,” but “Thank you.” Thank you for being here. Thank you for wanting to connect with me. Thank you for this opportunity to feel good.
Owning your pleasure is the ultimate “Sorry, Not Sorry.” It’s a quiet revolution that starts within you. It’s the decision that your desires are not something to be apologized for, but something to be explored, communicated, and celebrated. So take a deep breath, drop the apologies, and step into the much more fun, much more confident world of being unapologetically you.
